"Barbie and the Diamond
If you've been reading
my work for any length of time, you know this kind of title is
wildly uncategoristic for me. You know I'm usually hitting the
kind of stuff an adult audience might prefer, and in many cases,
a young adult audience. I don't normally go foraying into Barbie
movies, which is why I'm actually very happy to be bringing you
See, they walked right
into it, sending us a copy for review and marching themselves
straight into the mouth of madness.
The plot, such as it
is, involves Barbie and best friend (I will NOT lower myself to
using the term BFF) Teresa, who apparently make a living as songwriters.
They quickly segue, on the flimsiest of justifications requiring
the introduction of a throwaway character who is so unmemorable
that I can't even recall her name a day later, into a pseudomedievalist
tale of two girls who look exactly LIKE Barbie and best friend
Teresa, but can't call themselves that because it'd be one fewer
doll for Mattel to hawk. The new dolls--err...characters---are
Alexa and Liana. Anyway, the knockoffs then proceed to engage
in activities that would no doubt enrage feminists everywhere--collecting
flowers, finding puppies for no clear reason, and gabbing about
boys. And there's some kind of overarching plot here involving
music and the muses (which have absolutely nothing to do with
original Greco-Roman mythology) and preposterously large castles
made from songs.
Simplistic? Oh yeah.
This plot was clearly geared toward an audience of seven year
Let me be clear: if
you rent this movie you will be subjecting yourself and those
you love to a toy commercial of a duration of just over an hour.
Do not labor under the delusion that this is anything but--the
source material sent along with the screener DVD was a one-page
toy catalog telling all who read it precisely how much the objects
seen in the film will cost to own.
This is reprehensible
beyond all imagination. I understand that toy companies have driven
children's programming for years and people gotta eat, but wow,
my mind still boggles that Mattel is willing to sink to these
depths just to hawk shaped plastic at outrageous prices. The phrase
"invented demand" was coined with this in mind.
That and if they were
going to hawk toys to a captive audience they could've at least
done it with some STYLE, I mean, for crying out loud--I have a
Y chromosome. I am no feminist. But even I was pretty upset that
pretty much all these chicks did for the first half of the movie
was pick flowers, gab about boys and insist, musically and amelodically,
that they were BEST FRIENDS and this was not to be questioned.
The irony, of course, is that the villain is the greedy self-centered
materialist who lives alone whilst the two poor chicks (whose
dolls cost four hours at minimum wage to own) are the heroines
of this laughable little tale.
Call it writer's bias,
but at least on this side of the keyboard, the point of it all
is to warn people away from the bad and steer them toward the
good as best as I possibly can. I owe anyone who reads my work
the absolute truth as best as I can generate it. My work is subjective--for
every one who likes what I like, there's two or three who can't
stand it. But I can't say it's good when I could barely get through
and the Diamond Castle
out the Video Store Guy on his own ever-lovin' website.
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