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"Black Dahlia" DVD
Ulli Lommel follows up
the train wreck that was "The Boogeyman" with a shoddy,
second-rate trashfest in "Black Dahlia".
The ramshackle "Black Dahlia" plot is all about a copycat
version of the Black Dahlia killings from 1947. So for those of
you who thought this was just a ripoff of the Black Dahlia movie
that hit theatres not so long ago, you're only mostly wrong. No,
this is a copycat version. Which makes it different. Somehow. How,
I'm not sure.
And then, for some baffling reason, Lommel decides to take the first
ten seconds to quote the Geneva Convention, putting up a big text
placard that reads: "Prisoners of War and Persons not taking
part in Hostilities shall in all Circumstances be treated humanely.
To this End, all Acts of cruel Treatment and Torture shall be prohibited."
This has, of course, only a very little to do with the movie itself,
being that there will be--as if we expected any different--scenes
of cruelty and torture played out here. So either Lommel is being
ironic or a total hypocrite, I can't tell which. Maybe it's some
kind of anti-Bush protest? Who can tell?
Okay...right off, and I mean like not even ten minutes in, Lommel's
script is already going to subject us to a cripplingly high amount
of incongruity. Let me lay it out for you...some chick's scrawling
in a big book with a pentagram and a big 666 on the cover--cheesy
enough for you? Sure is!--about how the Black Dahlia was born in
1924, and died on the 15th, and that makes three sixes. First off,
that's actually TWO. I guess they're counting the third as the "number
of imperfection", if you buy the horrific chicken scrawl she's
got on the page. Second, how badly do you have to be reaching to
get one six from the year and one from the day? Pretty badly, I'd
say! Okay, so I'm overanalyzing. But this is a good example of the
kind of cheap, mindless crap we're going to be subjected to in this
truly godawful performance. The plot isn't the only place the cheese
is showing, either. I swear, I've seen better fake bodies on "Mythbusters",
and that's saying something. And yet, it's somehow fitting. Given
the mess that Lommel made out of "Boogeyman", it's not
surprising that he managed to turn "Black Dahlia" into
a sloppy nonsensical mess either.
Worse yet, they're going to, somehow, despite all logic and seeming
possibility, give away their best plot twist a half hour into the
movie. Then, by the time you're about two thirds through the movie,
you begin to realize that it's all looking a little familiar. You
will not be experiencing deja vu; rather, you will be simply watching
the same series of events happen over and over again only to a different
person each time. "Black Dahlia" should actually only
be about twenty minutes long, but to pad the run time, they've reshot
the same sequence over and over again.
The ending is the only high point of this piece of sludge, because
we can finally stop watching. I'd point out all the
logical inconsistencies it features, but I think you've figured
out by now how I feel about this tripe. More evidence at
this point would really be rather redundant.
The special features include English and Spanish subtitles, commentary
track, and trailers for "Black Dahlia", "House of
Blood", "Blackwater Valley Exorcism", "An American
Haunting", "Hard Candy", "Are You Scared?",
"Dark Fields", and "The Feeding".
All in all, why anyone would watch this piece of trash is utterly
beyond me. It's repetitive, it's vile, it's disgusting,
it's gore-for-gore's-sake at its most thoroughly repugnant.
But then, if you're here reading this, at least you won't be watching
it.
Black
Dahlia
zero stars
DVD
Directed by Ulli Lommel
Written by Ulli Lommel
Starring Elissa Dowling, Sutton Christopher, Christian Behm, Jack
Quinn
Produced by Jeff Frentzen
NR
81 mins
2006
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