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"Blood Ranch" DVD
Here's a brainteaser
for my dear readership this week--who would ever be so sufficiently
brain damaged as to rip off "Hostel"? Who, who could ever
be so base as to emulate the roaring lump of misery that was Eli
Roth's worst stand?
That's a question we're
going to answer just one paragraph down.
So what we have here
is the not so surprisingly familiar story of four college students
and for some reason an Iraq War vet who go out on a road trip together.
Along the way, they pick up a woman in the grips of terror being
persued by a black van. The black van does its level best to turn
the car to so much useless scrap, and does the job well. The six
find a nearby ranch, and in the midst of seeking help, find themselves
in the middle of the Web, a coterie of goons and assorted whatnot
that's into dismemberment and weird sex. Oh, and let's not forget
killing everybody who comes in contact with them in a slow, loud,
and ultimately grotesque manner.
Right now, if you took
my brainteaser seriously, and wondered just who on the face of the
earth would be so slow-witted and desperate for a plotline as to
rip off "Hostel," well congratulations--you've found them.
Welcome to the new Bottom
of the Barrel, population you and a godawful movie called "Blood
Ranch."
Let's admit the truth
here--"Blood Ranch" really is "Hostel", just
set in the backwoods desert and with a cult instead of wealthy,
jaded businessmen in eastern Europe.
And what a movie it is,
too. Check out the thirty four minute eight second mark, which starts
off one of the longest standoffs I can recall. This particular standoff
will involve men posturing at gunpoint for over four minutes. I
have never seen a standoff take so long or waste so much time.
Even better, check out
their big attempt at edgy reprehensibility--they're using a human
being for a dart board. You know, this was shocking to me when I
first saw it two years ago in the Japanese release "Living
Hell". Now it's just one more knockoff. And having the old
guy in green briefs and a neck brace launch into a diatribe about
flowers while throwing the darts isn't what you'd call edgy either.
It's just annoying.
Annoying is actually
a pretty good way to describe the whole movie. Rather than trying
to tell a decent story, they've thrown it aside for a long string
of "disturbing" events involving sadistic behavior at
its worst. In their frantic and desperate effort to overthrow "Hostel"
as the newest king of disgusting, they've instead managed to make
their own category--the newest king of pathetic.
Plus, they've even managed
to have logical fallacies as part of their narrative--check out
the action as several dirty half naked girls beat the hell out of
their tormentors. See if you can spot at least three logical fallacies.
Give up? How about:
1. Why, for the first
time all movie, is there a noticeable absence of blood? Absolutely
none of those beatdown implements is coming up with so much as a
visible speck of blood.
2. How the hell does
a pickaxe enter a human being and not come away with a drop of blood
on it?
3. Anyone else noticing
that that sickle silhouetted in the background never even touches
anywhere near the ground?
You may well have found
others. I'll bet they're there if you look for them. It's not like
they're hidden very well.
Oh, and it would be nice
if the chain on that "buzz saw" actually moved when the
sound effects suggest it does at fifty five minutes twenty seconds.
You know, I could keep
pointing out the monstrously stupid moves that "Blood Ranch"
tries to pull off, but I'm running out of two crucial points: air
time and patience. The patience of Job wouldn't be sufficient to
sit through this slop.
The ending is absolutely
indistinguishable from the rest of the movie. Frankly, it's the
best part of the movie, if for no other reason than it means we
can finally, finally, stop watching.
The special features
include trailers for "Blood Ranch", "Headhunter",
"Reality Kills", and "Vlad".
All in all, welcome to
my list, boys and girls of "Blood Ranch". Your puerile,
pathetic attempts at blood-drenched terror have left me revolted
and regretting the eighty minutes of my life you've consumed with
this second-rate bottom of the barrel garbage.
Blood
Ranch
zero stars
DVD
Directed by Corbin Timbrook
Written by Antonio Hernandez
Starring James Fitzpatrick, Madeleine Lindley, Dayton Knoll, Daniel
O'Meara
Produced by Rustam Branaman, Corbin Timbrook
NR
82 mins
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