It's an old rule of
mine that hasn't been challenged in quite some time, but any time
a movie comes to me festooned with pentagrams I know it's a bad
sign a-waitin'. And man oh man, is Crowley ever festooned
with pentagrams. There's one on the disc, there's one on the disc
case, there's one on the case's jacket...they're literally all
over the place.
And indeed, my old
rule proved solid again tonight--Crowley is a barely watchable
piece of sheer garbage designed almost entirely to fellate the
ego of a dead man.
Basically, what Crowley
is about is a delicate combination of mystical mumbo-jumbo
and pure psuedoscientific bullhonkery that allows no less a baddie
than Aleister Crowley to come back to life and inhabit
the body of a chubby stuttering literature professor. And of course,
Crowley wants to stick around in this time plane so he's
got to do something called a "chemical wedding" to stick
around. I don't know what that is, frankly, and I only just finished
watching the movie.
There's a lot of things
I don't understand about Crowley, and frankly, I really
don't WANT to understand them. I'm not at all surprised that this
was co-written by Bruce Dickinson, who turns out to be one of
the band members of the group Iron Maiden, thus further proving
that any horror movie involving a metal singer or band member
is going to be TOTAL garbage.
goes out the door and into the street: Strangeland, House of
1000 Corpses, and now Crowley.
problem is that it takes itself entirely too seriously. It's spewing
out garbage about chemical weddings and energy coordinates and
all this crapola and not a bit of it is useful or advancing the
plot. Plot? What plot? It's some guy staging fifty orgies for
two hours because he thinks it makes him some kind of super-league
bad guy. Leave it to some has-been chord-cruncher to think that
Aleister Crowley is sufficient fodder for a movie.
I will give him credit,
however, for advancing the "parallel universe" concept,
and his really spiffy suggestion at the end that Bush won the
2000 election mostly because of Crowley. That and I'm not
too sure on the historical truth on this, but from what I can
tell? There really IS a link between Jack Parsons, Aleister Crowley
and L. Ron Hubbard. How accurate that link is is anyone's guess,
but there's at least a suggestion, so good catch on Dickinson's
The ending, perhaps
the best part of the movie, is where the best intimations of parallel
universes come into play, and this is done surprisingly well.
I'm actually quite pleased with how that turned out--too bad the
rest of the movie couldn't do as well.
The special features
include audio commentary tracks, a making of featurette, deleted
scenes, English subtitles, and trailers for Walled In and
All in all, Crowley
is a sad, pathetic movie devoted to an ego trip for a man who's
been dead for years. Talk about your lousy impetuses for a movie.
by Julian Doyle
by Bruce Dickinson, Julian Doyle
Kay Weber, John Shrapnel, Lucy Cudden, Jon McDowell
by Justin Peyton, Ben Timlett
Video Store Guy knows the best movies you've never seen. Check
his Reel Advice Tuesdays on Movieweb (www.movieweb.com)