Floors" DVD cover
Whoever came up with
this concept has just filled me with a seething white-hot rage.
Anyway, that aside,
the reason I'm seething with rage is a little movie called "Dark
Floors", which I later learned was subtitled "The Lordi
Motion Picture". Now, at first, when I saw "Lordi"
it sounded kind of Italian, like maybe one of Argento or Fulci's
lesser-known cronies got back into the game. And the plot synopsis
sure read like a possibility. Even watching the movie for the
first hour or so looked like a great plan!
But then I saw the
last twenty minutes and the whole thing just buckled like someone
put a cinderblock on top of a house of cards.
Basically, the plot
of "Dark Floors" is "half a dozen people run around
a hospital facing down random monsters that do stuff and then
people get killed off one at a time until finally parts of the
movie you saw earlier run again for no stated reason."
Seriously--I was actually
ENJOYING it. I had this great thing all worked out about how cool
it was that the movie was mostly brightly lit, and how you don't
see that kind of thing much, and how the movie was actually kinda
scary because it was so seemingly RANDOM and then...and then the
last twenty minutes came up and I was screaming, baffled, at my
TV: "I DARE you to make less sense!"
This was bad enough,
frankly, to make me shuffle to my computer to write up a review
of two whole stars. And I was going to be SAD about it too, because
up until the last twenty minutes or so, Dark Floors was actually
Then I found out what
And that's when the
whole "rage" thing got started.
Because you see, what
these misbegotten sons out of wedlock put together was, basically,
a giant vanity piece. See, what I didn't know--and likely what
most of you didn't either--was that Lordi is a FINNISH METAL BAND.
In costumes that will prove unsettlingly familiar because they
SHOW UP IN THE MOVIE.
I couldn't believe
it when I finally put all the pieces together. This is a giant
vanity piece for some costumed freak show from Finland. Worse,
it's not even the first. There was apparently one earlier called
"The Kin", which makes this the SECOND colossal disjointed
waste of time these Halloween costume party rejects put together.
The ending, like I said, is so badly disjointed that it brings
down the rest of the movie.
The special features
include Lordi videos, interviews, a live show, a behind the scenes
featurette, and trailers for Saw V, Punisher: War Zone, Dance
of the Dead, No Man's Land: Rise of the Reeker, The Substitute,
Trackman, Room 205, Last House in the Woods, Brotherhood of Blood,
and Dark Floors.
All in all, I hate
this movie. The only reason it didn't get a zero is because it
was actually pretty good for a while. If you're willing to look
past a horribly disjointed ending and the fact that the whole
thing is just a giant fluff piece for Finnish metal, you might
get some fun out of it. I did...for about an hour.
Directed by Pete Riski
Written by Pekka Lehtosaari
Starring Skye Bennett, Noah Huntley, Dominique McElligott, Ronald
Produced by Ingvar Thordarson, Julius Kemp
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