Across The Eyes" DVD
Across The Eyes" movie poster
Congratulate me, everybody...because
I truly care about my readership, I have sat through a truly magnificent
wreckage of a film JUST so I can warn you about it in the strongest
It's called Five Across
the Eyes, and it's ninety minutes of reprehensible, pointless
brutality laughingly called a movie. Apparently someone failed
to get the torture porn memo once again, and thus launched off
on a path of idiocy that makes my flesh crawl. Plot? There is
none. Five high school chicks accidentally hit a van and spend
the rest of the night running from a crazy woman with a shotgun
who will torture and humiliate them over and over and over and
over and over and over and...well, you get the idea...for ninety
Wow, but the video
and audio quality on this thing is complete garbage. Seriously,
it watches and sounds like it was shot on somebody's camcorder
and then, through possibly bribes involving the all-female cast,
got a distribution deal. And it doesn't help that literally all
the cast has this thick, THICK, Southern accent that makes it
painfully difficult to make anything out unless you too speak,
or know people who speak, with a Southern accent.
And frankly, I know
they're trying for building suspense, but it's not so much suspenseful
as it is sad, watching a bunch of sixteen year old girls panic
and scream at each other. And that's before it devolves into the
sick torture-porn variant--did NOBODY get the memo? Considering
how bad these things inevitably flop I can't imagine why they're
still being made. And who wrote the dialogue? This is some of
the most revolting garbage I've seen in a while, and considering
some of the garbage I see on this section of movies, that's a
downright amazing pronouncement. I just spent like ten minutes
watching, ostensibly, high school girls get tortured by some psycho
chick who made them, well, if you actually want to see it be my
guest. But the point is, roughly the first third of Five Across
the Eyes is going to be both incoherent and revolting.
Dare I even ask what
some girl's father's ashes are doing in a van, and why the movie
thought it sufficiently important to include that little detail?
Now it's not just incoherent and revolting, it's confusing, too.
And then...there was the vomit. And then some girl actually took
a dump in the van. And that was where the movie lost me.
scream and rage about this movie for some time just on the strength
of the opening third, but what's the point? It's not like the
rest of this disaster will be any better. It's GARBAGE, that's
what it is. Straight out horrible unimaginably revolting garbage
that makes no sense of any kind. Is this someone's idea of a joke?
If it is, I'm not laughing. If this is someone's idea of an actual
scary movie then I weep for the genre. This is one of the worst
horror movies I've ever seen. Suffering from a series of pointless,
revolting non sequiturs strung together in what can only laughingly
be called a narrative is not my idea of fun.
What amazes me even
more is that this is an Anchor Bay title. Normally, Anchor Bay
can be relied upon to provide excellence in horror movies--why
they decided that this dog was worthy of distribution is quite
thoroughly beyond me. It's somewhat comforting to know, in a weird
way, that even the greatest make mistakes. It keeps you from taking
the company for granted. In that light, one mistake--even a screaming
big one like Five Across the Eyes--can be forgiven.
Assuming of course
someone learns from them. I'm looking right at you here, Anchor
Bay. LEARN from this wreck. Casual brutality is NOT scary. Casual
brutality is POINTLESS. And watching half a dozen of the stupidest
high school chicks on the planet spend a night making the dumbest
decisions ever because they're constantly panicking isn't scary
either. It's IDIOTIC.
If I wanted to watch
people panic for two hours I'd watch a Mad Money marathon.
The ending is a triumphantly
bad pile of more of the same nonsense that we just finished sitting
through, but it at least gives us the mild catharsis of getting
that psycho with the shotgun killed. If you're going to waste
my time with ninety minutes of high school chicks panicking and
some crazy woman torturing them, at LEAST kill the psycho. Then
it almost feels like there's a point: don't be a lunatic because
you will be beaten unmercifully by your own victims. It's similar
to Saw in that Jigsaw was in constant agony because of the cancer.
It's a moral we can
The special features
are English subtitles, and once again, screeners you can't access
from the DVD itself.
All in all, this suppository
of a film doesn't deserve to exist. I want it BURNED. I want a
giant DVD-pile fire to light up the night for hundreds of miles
just to serve as an example to OTHER bad movies. They should not
suck this bad, and if they do, they deserve what they get.
Across The Eyes
Directed by Greg Swinson, Ryan Thiessen
Written by Greg Swinson, Marshall Hicks
Starring Jennifer Barnett, Angela Brunda, Danielle Lilley, Mia
Produced by Greg Swinson, Ryan Thiessen
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