| "Haunted
Boat" DVD
Call this one the adventures
of half a dozen self-centered asshole teenagers (look more like
twentysomethings if you ask me) about to get horribly killed on
a boat. Or, if you're feeling a bit more existential, call it
"Karma's A BITCH".
Whilst out on a wreck
of a boat that one of them got for his birthday with enough booze
to float the Bolivian Navy home, a sudden tragedy strikes. Planning
to turn around to fix their problems, they discover the engine
won't start. Worse, strange events start happening all around
them, none of their cell phones work, they have not a clue in
their empty little heads what the fuck a radio is, they're on
a boat in the middle of Nowhere Ocean heading for Catalina and
they're all about to get killed by their own worst fears.
Yep, Class X Standard
Horror Movie fare, all right. Random Script 27-A.
Worse yet, we're stuck
on this boat with the biggest assholes on the face of the earth--spoiled
rich California kids. People so spectacularly ignorant and self-absorbed
that they really truly honestly believe that, if they didn't see
it or don't remember it, it doesn't exist. I'm not kidding. That's
a quote.
And the next stop on
the "even worse" tour is just how these methods of death
come about. For example, the horrible CG-inserted shark that tears
apart one of our vapid teenagers. Wow, that's just sad. At least,
it was sad until I saw their reactions to the loss of said torn-apart
vapid teenager. Screaming and crying and begging for help and
blaming each other back and forth and not one person spending
more than three minutes actually looking for their friend who
got torn up by freaking sharks. And then they don't even mention
the sharks--they actually think he might be playing a joke on
them and went underwater to the front of the boat. He got attacked
by sharks, dammit, he's not swimming fucking anywhere.
Then, as a plot device,
they actually reduce the ambient light level of the film by like
ninety percent, making a large portion of the film unviewable.
They take this opportunity to reduce the movie down even further,
to the point where they're telling each other ghost stories.
And then, finally,
we get to the ending of this little parade of misery to a thoroughly
nonsensical end involving hallucinatory weirdness, ghosts aplenty,
and corpses, corpses, corpses! Oh, and don't forget extremely
improbable last-second rescues out of absolutely nowhere.
The special features
include audio options, English and Spanish subtitles, and trailers
for "Open Water 2: Adrift", "Haunted Forest",
"Beneath Still Waters", "The Nun", and "Sea
of Fear".
All in all, this waterlogged little wreck is far more dinghy than
racing yacht.
Haunted
Boat
*
DVD
Directed by Olga Levens
Written by Olga Levens, Jason Levens
Starring Courtney Scheuerman, Sarah M. Scott, Tien Pham, Travis
Hammer
Produced by Olga Levens, Jason Levens
2007
R
98 mins
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