on Starz Cinema
Count on Jeff Goldblum
and Ed Begley Jr. to bring you the latest in dull, sanctimonious
almost-humor. And they'll be bringing it to you like no tomorrow
in "Pittsburgh", a movie that proves that if you have
enough star power, the law means NOTHING to you. At least not
Goldblum gets engaged to his actress girlfriend (whom he's known
for all of three weeks, proving that Hollywood marriages are destined
to fail for a damn good reason), and there's a hitch. She's CANADIAN.
Ordinarily this would mean nothing, except now, said Canadian
girlfriend is about to have her work visa expire. And--oh NO--that
would mean that the Goldblum / random theatrical actress' whirlwind
engagement is about to collapse like a son of a bitch.
But no! Enter Goldblum's spectacular star power (which hasn't
been so spectacular these last few years) to make an offer to
a Pittsburgh musical producer--take the girlfriend to perform
in "The Music Man", thus extending her work visa, and
you get--GASP!--JEFF GOLDBLUM!!
So basically, Goldblum and co. are plotting an end run around
the federal government to keep Goldblum's three-week fiancee in
Frankly, I don't know what to say.
First, I'm appalled beyond all recognition that this man can actually
exploit the federal government like this--especially with a Republican
in the White House. Second, watching their exploit isn't even
entertaining. I spent most of this movie bored beyond, once again,
all recognition. When Jeff Goldblum talks about the one time he
did mescaline and got stuck in an elevator, I began to wonder
if this movie was what it was like: just a bunch of jump cuts--Jeff
talking, Jeff auditioning, Jeff getting pitched by Ed Begley Jr.
for yet another one of his interminable solar power projects--that
make no sense and are boring as all hell.
Boring. Boring boring boring. BORING. I don't know how many ways
to say this, but it's boring. Worse yet, it's boring. And not
just boring...it's profoundly unpleasant. Watching Goldblum try
to sing "Trouble in River City" is impossible to describe
without using the words "travesty", "Godawful",
or "rusty fishhooks".
After twenty minutes, I wished there were a whiskey bottle attachment
for my remote so I could whip it at Goldblum's head to stop the
After thirty minutes, I could understand why Elvis shot that TV.
Sacrificing a TV to stop Jeff Goldblum's horrible attempt at musical
theatre is almost a worthy sacrifice.
After forty minutes, I abandoned all hope. This movie was a steaming
pantload of self-righteous, self-aggrandizing shit. This is a
movie that exists to glorify Jeff Goldblum, and frankly, I'm glad
that maybe like fifty people tops will see this. Smell that, Jeffy?
That's your career. What's left of it, anyway. Anyone else wondering
why he hasn't been in movies lately? Here's a real convincing
Though thankfully, with only a half hour left, there was a good
laugh thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '07,
where he explains some difficulties with his solar power project.
He explains to Jeff Goldblum that--get this!--he's not in solar
power for the money.
I could almost write that with a straight face. I'm amazed he
said it with one.
Oh, let's just put this canard to bed. The last fifteen odd minutes
will be Jeff's big show--indeed, it's sold out; there's sheep
enough willing to pony up the cash to watch Jeff Goldblum's brand
of lukewarm pablum. And I'll begrudgingly admit that he does at
least manage to improve enough to put on a decent show.
The question that remains of course is WHY? Why did we bother
to watch this dreck for eighty minutes? Why did someone bother
to film it? Why is it available to watch?
Why? I don't know. All I know is that there's a whole lot better
out there, so if you're flipping through your premium movie channels
on Starz Cinema and "Pittsburgh" comes on, don't bother.
There's vastly, VASTLY, better...even on basic cable.
will be aired on Sunday, Sept. 2nd at 3:30 p.m. and at 10:35 p.m.
on Starz Comedy. It will also be aired on Saturday, Sept. 29th
at 8:50 a.m. and 6:30 p.m. on Starz Comedy. "Pittsburgh"
will air on Starz Cinema on Oct. 2nd at 10:50 a.m.
Directed by Chris Bradley, Kyle LaBrache
Written by uncredited
Starring Jeff Goldblum, Ed Begley Jr., Illeana Douglas, Moby
Produced by Jeff Goldblum
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