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< Entertainment >

New Movie Reviews

"Pittsburgh" on Starz Cinema

by Steve Anderson
thevideostoreguy@columnist.com

Count on Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. to bring you the latest in dull, sanctimonious almost-humor. And they'll be bringing it to you like no tomorrow in "Pittsburgh", a movie that proves that if you have enough star power, the law means NOTHING to you. At least not immigration law.

Goldblum gets engaged to his actress girlfriend (whom he's known for all of three weeks, proving that Hollywood marriages are destined to fail for a damn good reason), and there's a hitch. She's CANADIAN. Ordinarily this would mean nothing, except now, said Canadian girlfriend is about to have her work visa expire. And--oh NO--that would mean that the Goldblum / random theatrical actress' whirlwind engagement is about to collapse like a son of a bitch.

But no! Enter Goldblum's spectacular star power (which hasn't been so spectacular these last few years) to make an offer to a Pittsburgh musical producer--take the girlfriend to perform in "The Music Man", thus extending her work visa, and you get--GASP!--JEFF GOLDBLUM!!

Oh boy.

So basically, Goldblum and co. are plotting an end run around the federal government to keep Goldblum's three-week fiancee in the country.

Frankly, I don't know what to say.

First, I'm appalled beyond all recognition that this man can actually exploit the federal government like this--especially with a Republican in the White House. Second, watching their exploit isn't even entertaining. I spent most of this movie bored beyond, once again, all recognition. When Jeff Goldblum talks about the one time he did mescaline and got stuck in an elevator, I began to wonder if this movie was what it was like: just a bunch of jump cuts--Jeff talking, Jeff auditioning, Jeff getting pitched by Ed Begley Jr. for yet another one of his interminable solar power projects--that make no sense and are boring as all hell.

Boring. Boring boring boring. BORING. I don't know how many ways to say this, but it's boring. Worse yet, it's boring. And not just boring...it's profoundly unpleasant. Watching Goldblum try to sing "Trouble in River City" is impossible to describe without using the words "travesty", "Godawful", or "rusty fishhooks".

After twenty minutes, I wished there were a whiskey bottle attachment for my remote so I could whip it at Goldblum's head to stop the pain.

After thirty minutes, I could understand why Elvis shot that TV. Sacrificing a TV to stop Jeff Goldblum's horrible attempt at musical theatre is almost a worthy sacrifice.

After forty minutes, I abandoned all hope. This movie was a steaming pantload of self-righteous, self-aggrandizing shit. This is a movie that exists to glorify Jeff Goldblum, and frankly, I'm glad that maybe like fifty people tops will see this. Smell that, Jeffy? That's your career. What's left of it, anyway. Anyone else wondering why he hasn't been in movies lately? Here's a real convincing reason.

Though thankfully, with only a half hour left, there was a good laugh thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '07, where he explains some difficulties with his solar power project. He explains to Jeff Goldblum that--get this!--he's not in solar power for the money.

I could almost write that with a straight face. I'm amazed he said it with one.

Oh, let's just put this canard to bed. The last fifteen odd minutes will be Jeff's big show--indeed, it's sold out; there's sheep enough willing to pony up the cash to watch Jeff Goldblum's brand of lukewarm pablum. And I'll begrudgingly admit that he does at least manage to improve enough to put on a decent show.

The question that remains of course is WHY? Why did we bother to watch this dreck for eighty minutes? Why did someone bother to film it? Why is it available to watch?

Why? I don't know. All I know is that there's a whole lot better out there, so if you're flipping through your premium movie channels on Starz Cinema and "Pittsburgh" comes on, don't bother. There's vastly, VASTLY, better...even on basic cable.

"Pittsburgh" will be aired on Sunday, Sept. 2nd at 3:30 p.m. and at 10:35 p.m. on Starz Comedy. It will also be aired on Saturday, Sept. 29th at 8:50 a.m. and 6:30 p.m. on Starz Comedy. "Pittsburgh" will air on Starz Cinema on Oct. 2nd at 10:50 a.m.

Pittsburgh
*
DVD

Directed by Chris Bradley, Kyle LaBrache

Written by uncredited

Starring Jeff Goldblum, Ed Begley Jr., Illeana Douglas, Moby

Produced by Jeff Goldblum

80 mins
NR
2007

 

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