Okay, I confess going
into this one that I wasn't expecting a whole lot out of it. I
have seen very, VERY, few good movies involving sasquatches. In
fact, the last time I saw even CLOSE to a good movie involving
sasquatches it didn't even involve sasquatches at all, but rather
was Lalo Schifrin's "Abominable", which featured abominable
sadly, has absolutely nothing to suggest that it will be anything
The plot of "Primal"
resembles very closely a slew of other movies that are almost
exactly like it. Basically, a group of college students loosely
connected to an oil drilling firm goes out into a woods where
it's likely no human being has before trod. And of course, they'll
be running into something out there, namely a host of bloodthirsty
protohuman monstrousities that'll be out to kill and eat them.
When I said that "Primal"
had absolutely nothing to suggest that it will be anything better
than any other sasquatch movie, I meant it. "Primal"
is packed to the ever-lovin' blue-eyed GILLS with all the worst
mistakes a filmmaker can make. For instance, some productions
might spend money on squibs and bloodpacks and whatnot when having
a camper get attacked by a shaggy mutant beastie--not "Primal"!
No sir! When campers get killed in "Primal", the camera
shudders like it's going over twenty miles of bad road on a tripod
with a missing leg.
Oh, and even better
yet, the costuming for the sasquatches makes them look like kids
in bad Halloween costumes. One particular sequence underscores
it nicely as a sasquatch is caught walking and we're looking at
its feet. Unless we're supposed to believe that sasquatches have
no bones in their feet, we sit and watch as a toe bends at a ninety-degree
Which all adds up to
one great steaming pantload of a movie. For crying out loud, can
NOBODY handle the sasquatch genre? Is this just a complete loss
for anyone who tries it? It's looking more and more like that's
going to be the case, so I'm at a loss to explain why anyone actually
Worse yet, in a desperate
bid to stretch this sucker out, they've tacked on a subplot involving
a meth lab. Frankly, you'd have to be ON meth to consider this
a good idea. It's a clear waste of time and space, and I can't
even begin to imaging why it's here in the first place.
The ending is sort
of out of left field, but I do give them credit for the unique
way in which they rolled the end credits. I like the whole "message
board" thing--it's not done often and thus is worthwhile.
The special features
include English and Spanish subtitles, as well as trailers for
"The Eye", "Saw IV", "Catacombs",
"Haunted Forest", "Attack of the Sabertooth",
"Cerberus", "Komodo Vs. Cobra", "Caved
In: Prehistoric Terror", and the really freaky Fearnet commercial.
All in all, yet another
sasquatch flop for Lions Gate forces me to wonder why the genre
Directed by Steffen Schlachtenhaufen
Written by Steffen Schlachtenhaufen
Starring Bethany Davis, Brian Girard, Biz Urban, Jack Grigoli
Produced by Patrick McManus
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