"The Morgue" DVD
Morgue DVD cover
Donahue! You're well on your way to supplanting Eric Spudic as
my new bad movie barometer! Your career is a blistering wasteland
of garbage, sufficient to make me wonder if you were actually
cursed by the Blair Witch herself, or if any movie that doesn't
feature you bawling to the point where snot dribbles out of your
nose is just destined to be a total flop and languish in obscurity.
And you'll keep the
stride alive that features you in such cinematic bulwarks as New
Suit and The Velvet Tigress by signing on for The Morgue, one
of the first horror films I've seen in a long time where the back
of the box will actually lie outright to the reader.
Anyway, this newest
piece of Heather Donahue flotsam to wash up on the video store
shelves is all about a young woman who's working as a night janitor
cleaning up a morgue. And one night, a whole lot of people come
stumbling in with a whole host of automotive problems. A series
of unexplainable events flood on by, and by the end of the night,
some of them might not survive.
Actually, the above
synopsis is slightly a crock. Why? Well, I'll tell you why, and
I'll spoiler confidently so you don't have to waste your time
on this steaming pantload.
Because THEY'RE ALL
DEAD, that's why! That "astonishing twist" that the
back of the box practically falls all over itself to describe?
That's the twist. They're all dead.
That is NOT a twist.
See, the problem with calling that a twist is that it ignores
a huge body of work that came before it that already USED that
twist, and did it in a far better and more convincing fashion
than The Morgue could ever DREAM of doing. We've been rickrolled
by this alleged twist for YEARS now. To call it "astonishing"
is a lie of epic proportions, and frankly, calling it a twist
at this point only cements its status as lie. I was personally
convinced that they'd all been dead since about the twenty minute
mark, and frankly, I'd rather not see anyone else waste perfectly
good time and money on this cinematic sludge pile than absolutely
Hence, the spoiler.
Clearly, I'm seriously
torqued about this ridiculous little movie actually landing on
shelves when GOOD movies go unappreciated and unseen. So I like
the thought of being just a little bit trollish and spoilering.
The ending, well, I've
already made that pretty clear--suffice it to say that they're
going to take about five or ten minutes to thoroughly explain
that they're all dead just in case you're too damn stupid to get
it the first time. This should, of course, insult you like no
tomorrow because it definitely got me interested in smacking somebody.
The special features
include English and Spanish subtitles, along with a behind the
scenes featurette and trailers for The Morgue, Bangkok Dangerous,
Restraint, Artifacts, and a new, surprisingly freaky trailer for
Fearnet.com. It's not quite as freaky as the psychokinetic freakgirl
in the dingy hotel room but it'll get the job done. It's the best
part of the disk.
All in all, blech.
The fact that only onomatopoeia will accurately describe this
dreck should give an accurate portrayl of how I felt about it.
This is definitely one to avoid.
Directed by Halder Gomes, Gerson Sanginitto
Written by Najla Ann Al-Doori
Starring Bill Cobbs, Lisa Crilley, Chris Devlin, Heather Donahue,
Produced by Carina Sanginitto, Gerson Sanginitto
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