"Woods of Evil" DVD
The woods are alive with
the sounds of a surprisingly mundane evil here in the “Woods
So what we’ve got here, and it’s probably not going
to come as much of a surprise given the title, are a whole lot of
people going missing in the middle of a forest somewhere in Jersey.
And for a while, people stop vanishing, until right about now.
Which is basically about the time when someone’s dumb enough
to go into Jersey. Let’s face it—Jersey isn’t
what you’d call a survivable horror movie destination. “The
Last Broadcast” and the various other Jersey Devil inspired
movies have proven that point in abundance.
Oh, and it gets worse. A down-on-his-luck-on-probation convict named
Ray and his buddies Dice and Paco are about to kidnap the two rich
young daughters of major real estate movers and hide them in--surprise!--the
woods where everybody and his mother has been disappearing lately.
Needless to say, something’s going on in those woods that
has absolutely nothing to do with Ray and company’s kidnap
It sounds mediocre. It looks mediocre. And you’re probably
not going to be any too surprised when I tell you that’s exactly
what it is—mediocre. It’s trictly run of the mill. Sure,
it does a fair job at building suspense—it takes the movie
a good long while to actually show what’s behind all the evil
in the woods—but it also has some pretty shoddy acting and
some decent sized plot holes.
For instance, twelve minutes and one second in, we get the most
pointless death in the movie as a character trips and falls, totally
standard operation, and then spends the rest of her life (about
fifteen seconds) scooting away on her rear while something advances
on her and kills her with a rock. A rock. We don’t get much
more low-tech than this, and even better, she’s left a car
maybe fifty feet away from her. All she’d have to do to get
away clean is get up and run. But no—all we get is scoot and
Check out the “gifted” acting as a man gets a knife
stuck in his left side, begins moaning, and clutches his right side.
There’s a knife handle sticking out of his left side, but
he’s moaning and gripping his right side like the knife’s
on the totally opposite side of his body.
And for a finale…try out the sequence at the fifty seven minute
four second mark as someone forgot to secure the camera. It’s
bouncing. The shot is bouncing.
The ending is…wow. Just wow. It’s a fantastically anticlimactic
ending as we discover the true source of the evil in the “Woods
…it’s a fat man.
A fat man with an axe.
Words cannot describe how astonished and yet disappointed I am by
this development. The evil in the Jersey woods that claimed so many
lives and terrorized the most terrifying state in the Union is a
fat guy with an axe!
The special features are just trailers for “Lost Things”,
“The Evil One”, “The Wickeds”, “Tears
of Kali”, “The Dawn”, and “Zombie Night”.
All in all, “Woods of Evil” is a mundane suspense thriller
with its share of triumphs and troubles. Worth a rental, especially
if everything you want to see is out already and you just need a
fast horror fix.
Directed by Conrad Glover
Written by Conrad Glover
Starring Conrad Glover, Jaime Velez, Christopher Farmer, Nicholl
Produced by Christine Y. Dynan, Conrad Glover
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