Sue Coleman and The Regents contemplate their navels
as U of M sinks into an abyss of mediocrity, while
cowardly allowing the NCAA to be untrue to its stated
core purpose without so much as a whimper.
in the seventies, Big Corn patented some new enzyme that
chops those miles into a trillion discrete blips of fructose.
years later these newly liberated fructose molecules assault
national food chain. Blammo! An entire nation becomes
morbidly obese. Fact is, the human body isn’t built to
withstand high-dose assaults of fructose.”
--Douglas Coupland from his latest novel, Generation A, page
accounts, Mary Sue Coleman has shown The University of Michigan
the money. With her winsome smile, genteel demeanor, and a girlish,
aim-to-please attitude, she could have been a success in many
fields: call girl, microbiologist dissecting “unwanted”
cats and dogs and developing genetically-altered foods, including
corn (AKA “maize”) that kills honey bees, leading
to eventual mass starvation for short-term corporate profit
as small farms and the American dream are destroyed for all
time, pizza delivery lady, or University President. She choose
two of those and hired a pizza king to run my alma mater's athletic
department after giving the assaultive, megalomaniac Bill Martin
a golden parachute when he deserves the brass boot. She genetically
altered the “Maize & Blue” into the unamazing
Any man who abuses his authority like Bill Martin did by pushing
around two students who rightly challenged Mr. Bill to show
I. D. to enter a restricted area should not only be fired, but
also prosecuted. I wonder what bribes or coercion were displayed
to those two students to not press charges. A month's worth
of milkshakes and Chipatis™ from Pizza Bob's? Oh, you
think U of M is above that? NEWSFLASH: this is not Bo's U of
This is not the U of M that plays in a bowl game. Not even the
This is not the U of M that has Ohio State as its archrival.
Now it is Appalachian State.
This is the gentle woodland creature that Mary Sue Coleman demurely
stuffs into her purse like Paris Hilton and her latest Yorkie
as they sachet into the premiere of Avatar.
This U of M isn't an athletic powerhouse or an academic beacon.
It is a cash cow for its entrenched pedants, steroid-laced illiterates,
and an athletic department staff that has the moral principles
of the Mafia, no offense to the Mob.
Supposedly, U of M is a public university bound by constitutional
principles, guided by Regents most of whom are lawyers sworn
to uphold and defend the U. S. and Michigan Constitutions. Yet,
U of M acts like a contemptuous multi-national corporation whose
sole purpose is profit, while feeding at the public trough to
give it the appearance of a well-intentioned country bumpkin
from the U. P. whose only fault is a penchant to pouch deer
and speed on his snowmobile.
Well, don't judge a book by its cover. Or a judge by his or
her robe. Or a Regent by his or her law degree.
You may recall a few years ago when Mary Sue bared her teeth
and threatened to sic U of M's legal team on the will of Michiganders
in toto for disagreeing with her leftist views on social engineering.
She later withdrew the threat, perhaps because her love of public
money, though not as strong as private money, made her think
twice, or rather once, as her initial reaction was more a jerk
of the knee than an actual thought.
Mary Sue felt no compunction about baring her quasi-Wolverine
teeth (she is not from Michigan and never attended U of M, and
even has an honorary degree from our ancient archrival Notre
Dame), because, after all, the people of Michigan who approved
the referendum to end affirmative action are uncouth, unwashed
rabble who deserve to be set upon by the legal lions of U of
M, much like when the French priests of the Notre Dame of Paris
suggested to Catherine de' Medici and King Charles IX the St.
Bartholomew's Day massacre of the Huguenots as an act of penance.
But when it comes to confronting her learned peers at the annual
NCAA convention in Indianapolis about the fiasco that is the
BCS, where two of five undefeated teams are arbitrarily picked
to play for all the marbles, where a female place-kicker is
raped and called a "cunt" by a male teammate at The
University of Colorado, then told the term "cunt"
is a term of endearment by the equally-dense, then-President
of U of C, then forced to grovel before the NCAA to have her
punishment of losing a year of athletic eligibility lifted for
the great crime (in the mindset of the NCAA who did not even
mention her rape when waiving the penalty) of transferring to
The University of New Mexico, where she became the first woman
to score in a Division I football game, or, lastly, where student-athletes
are openly treated like mere cash cows and criminal scum, losing
their athletic eligibility and academic scholarships if they
retain an agent before merely testing the waters of a pro sports
league draft. That fascistic attitude is the same that would
think if a person retains an attorney after being charged with
a crime that that in and of itself is proof of guilt. The logical
threshold should be if and when they sign a contract with a
pro team. Can you say "morons par excellence?" There
should be no penalty for transferring schools. You should not
have to submit proof of rape.
Yet, despite the outrageous and openly obvious contempt for
students and the equally obvious double standard when football
coaches quit right before their bowl games and start coaching
at their new university without missing a beat, Mary Sue Coleman
and The Regents have ignored two open pleas I made to them at
board meetings in Ann Arbor to confront the NCAA. Might I suggest
growing some spines?
Mary Sue Coleman, Bill Martin, and Rich Rodriguez have destroyed
the tower of good will that U of M’s football program
had built since 1879. U of M has the most all-time football
wins (877) and the best all-time winning percentage (.741) in
NCAA history. The best high school athletes used to have U of
M on their short lists. Now we see Terrell Pryor pick Ohio State
over us and top prospects like Ryan Mallett run screaming out
of Ann Arbor like a raving banshee, knowing full well of the
hypocritical and oafish punishment the NCAA had in store for
him for not wanting to play for a corrupt, amoral cretin who
rumor has it is already looking to jump ship and who also already
has the NCAA investigating our program under his reign for violations
that could further damage our already-destroyed program. Sort
of like pouring napalm on a burning house.
After Mary Sue contacted Les Miles of LSU in late 2007 before
the SEC Championship Game, U of M will probably never get another
blue chip high school athlete from Louisiana. At least not for
the next fifty years. And I said just that when I addressed
The Regents and President Coleman shortly after that particular
The Toledo Caper was her next descent into the abyss of amoral
behavior that should have spelled her departure from U of M.
She met with Rich Rod there and flashed him something he really
wanted to see. Money.
Soon Rich told his Mountaineers and his home state to shine
on right before the 2008 Fiesta Bowl. WVU beat Oklahoma without
him. Good for them. West Virginia must really love us. Oh well,
we still have 48 other states to recruit from, right? And there
is always Pluto.
Mary Sue learned nothing from the damage, rage, and pain she
caused in Louisiana, or, probably more accurately, simply did
not care. Much like her obvious contempt for Michiganders and
Ragin’ Cajuns, her contempt for West Virginians (Rich
Rod perhaps excepted) is glaringly obvious.
Mary Sue is the consummate bureaucrat. Just the same way she
could test perfumes on a cat or a dog or a ferret at a U of
M research facility, she can flip her figurative finger at an
entire state of football fans. It is all about the money.
Sure, she can raise funds. She can don a fake smile and swig
cocktails at fancy parties with the best and sleaziest of them.
But what about honor? What about standing up for what is right?
What about our plummeting reputation? What about the best interest
of the student body? What about Fido and Morris?
As we have seen, the Rich Rod Era of U of M football is one
of mediocrity, bluster, abuse, and dishonor. We actually paid
Delaware State in 2009 to forfeit their first conference game
of the season so we could trounce a patsy, too fearful of accepting
Boise State’s challenge to all comers. I am ashamed of
my alma mater.
Mary Sue has dragged our name through the mud with a little
help from her friends, even allowing Bill Ayers to speak at
the Grad Library. I would ask The Regents to fire her, but,
after addressing them twice, meeting the stoniest of silence
as they contemplated their navels, I know they don’t have
the stomach for that sort of thing. After all, who am I? Just
a Wikipedia-listed artist with a law degree going up against
a lady who knows as much about the law and integrity as Daffy
After all, the word is she can shake down the rich pretty well
with her wily, winsome ways. And that is what it is all about.
Money. Cold hard cash. Texas tea. Hail to the Cashola!
I see the new Athletic Director-to-be is a Domino’s Pizza
Man. How reassuring. He can’t do worse than Bill Martin,
though. Even if the football team ends up tasting like cardboard.
It already plays like the Domino’s football team I was
on. We played to a tie against the Ann Street store in Ann Arbor
back in 1986. I was a delivery boy for the Dewey Street store.
I had the only TD for our team. Caught a bomb in the end zone.
My g/f at the time had an awesome fumble recovery. We could
probably beat Delaware State, too.
One more thing about transferring schools. When Rich Rod was
an assistant coach at Tulane back in 1998, they were undefeated
going into their bowl game. Rich and the head coach bolted to
Clemson, leaving the Green Wave high and dry. Sound familiar?
What kind of scum would do that to their team. Tulane beat BYU
in the Liberty Bowl without them to finish 12-0. "It's
just one of those things you go through in coaching," mused
Rodriguez. "We're just trying to take care of business
and see what happens." Is that all it is for you, Rich?
A business? A public university is not a business, Genius. It
is supposed to be about bettering the lives of young people
through education. Have you read the NCAA mission statement,
lately, Rich? Mary Sue? Have you ever read it?
Here is the Core Purpose of the NCAA: “Our purpose is
to govern competition in a fair, safe, equitable and sportsmanlike
manner, and to integrate intercollegiate athletics into higher
education so that the educational experience of the student-athlete
is paramount.” This does not apply to students who are
raped and/or transfer schools, or decide to retain an agent
to test of the waters of a pro sports draft, though. Nor does
it apply to Rich Rodriguez, Mary Sue Coleman, or Bill Martin.
U of M needs to demand the NCAA enact the changes listed herein.
The NCAA must move the National Letter of Intent Day from February
to March or April and punish coaches who leave their teams before
the Bowl Season is over with a year off. Contacting coaches
to jump ship must also be banned until then. I would even say
to wait until after the parade of the BCS champions, so as not
to rain on their parade. After all, it’s supposed to be
all about the students, not all about the money, right?
If Mary Sue does not have the intestinal fortitude to go down
to Indianapolis and demand the changes outlined here in my bombastic
way, The Regents need to send someone down there who does. U
of M, as a public university, has a legal duty to see that its
students are not treated like cash cows, utterly without dignity
or respect. Even if they are not locked in an electrical closet
and denied medical treatment.
If The Regents can’t fire Mary Sue due to misplaced cojones,
then at least send someone to Indy who has a pair. I volunteer.
I, like Yogi Bear, am not a gentle woodland creature. I am a
Wolverine for life. Go Blue! Go Mary Sue—anywhere; just
go. And the same to you, Rich Rod and Bill. Go to Halifax. Bring
your Notre Dame, Tulane, Clemson, and West Virginia jackets
with you. Did I forget one?
GAMENOTE: Denise Ilitch was not a Regent when
I twice addressed The Regents and President Coleman so is exempt
from my wrath; however, now that she is aware of the need for
the NCAA to be confronted, she needs to step up to the plate
and show she has what it takes not only to be a worthy Regent,
but to be a worthy governor should she choose to throw her hat
into the ring as many think she will. Please call her out on
the issues I have raised if you see her on the campaign trail
if she is still a Regent. As the daughter of a legendary sports
enthusiast from Michigan, I hope she will do the right thing
and acknowledge the need for U of M to stand up to the NCAA.