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Thursday, 28 June, 2007 7:49 PM
A Time To Yank: A Sob Story from
Tiger Town
PHOTO
BY MIKE WRATHELL / AMERICAJR.com
Craig
Monroe plays left field for the Detroit Tigers.
Back in 2003, I went
to see The Tigers on my birthday with my dad, my brother, my sister,
and my two nieces at Comerica Park. It was the last game I would
ever go to with my dad, a retired Detroit police sergeant nicknamed
Ratman, who passed away in 2004.
We were winning late
in the game when Alan Trammell decided to put in Fernando Rodney,
who put on a few runners before giving up a gargantuan home run
that might have gone 500 feet, maybe 500 yards, maybe 500 meters!
Now, three years after
his death, I decided to take my girlfriend to the game on my birthday,
June 13th.
Maybe the Olsen Twins were watching over some beer, too, for their
21st birthday bash. We were beating Milwaukee 1 to nothing in a
real nail-biter when Jim Leland thought to put in Fernando Rodney.
He got the first guy
he faced out, then the next guy got a hit. The next guy sent the
ball to the moon and
this time it soared right past us along the third base line. I don't
mean to complain, but once Mr. Rodney
puts the tying run on base, and the go-ahead run is at-bat, and
it is my birthday, the formula has been set.
Thusly, please, next
time we play a home game on June 28th, can we maybe change pitchers
once the reliever on the mound has put the tying run on base? I
mean, we had two guys warming up for what? For nothing? I know Jim
Leland is a baseball mastermind, a guru, a great swami of swat,
but think of the Olsen Twins, think of me, a guy born in Detroit,
an artist trying to show his gal a good time!
I know I am whining a
bit here, but enough is enough. I mean, I know it was a crummy thing
to have Bud Selig yank the Brewers out of the American League, and
he should not be able to be both owner and commissioner til the
last snowflake on Mt. Kilimanjaro melts, but why take it out on
the poor twins? Don't you want them to be Tigers fans? We could
be America's team if we could phase out the whole self-destruct-in-the-7th-or-8th
thing....
No one likes the Yankees,
so we have an in, I'm telling you!
And, we have the cutest
seagulls in baseball! Just ask Craig Monroe, who got to hang out
with them in left field until they left once the sun set and Venus
popped out in the dark azure Western sky.
We have a chance this
year. We are more seasoned. Kenny Rogers is back. Just get him some
clear, non-shining pine tar! Zumaya might be back with his 103 mph
fastball. We are hitting like mad, but for
June 13th. It would be a shame to lose again due to our not wanting
to yank a reliever who is falling apart before our eyes.
I beseech you, Mr. Leland!
Bless Fernando Rodney's and Todd Jones's little hearts, but if they
are loading up the bases, and falling apart before our very eyes,
pay for them to see Woody Allen's shrink, but don't let them take
it out on us!
If we have to shell out
some Little Caesar's money on a premier closer, do it! I will order
only Little Caesar's! No more Jets! No more Cottage Inn! Tell me
what you want! Just don't leave in Rodney when he is melting right
in front of us! Please! Pretty please with soft brown sugar on it
from a freshly-opened plastic bag!
You know, there is a
rumor The Olsen Twins might be the first Bond girls/twins! How cool
would it be if
they wore Tigers tees as they crawled into Daniel Craig's bed? It
can only happen if we win this year's
World Series. So, Mr. Leland, there is a time to yank, and you have
to be ready for it at a moment's notice!
Go Tigers!
PHOTO
BY MIKE WRATHELL / AMERICAJR.com
Sean
Casey runs to first base.
PHOTO
BY MIKE WRATHELL / AMERICAJR.com
This
Tigers fan dressed up like the Phantom.
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